Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Islamic State: Ministry of Tourism

Visit the Islamic State, the world’s most talked-about vacation spot in 2014!

Islamic State: Gorgeous. Refreshing. To die for.

Share moments of beauty

• Hike up our beautiful Mount Sinjar with local Yazidi families. Bring good shoes and water for a week. Or two.
• Visit a local grenade factory situated by the lush banks of the Tigris River. Enjoy panoramic views of the river and see what we’ve done to this land.

Experience the history

• Come see the charred remains of an 1800 year old church in Mosul. Learn about the ancient Christian people who used to inhabit the land.
• Check out an old abandoned US army base. Explore this modern ghost-town with the local guide who wears the badge of honor as the very first man to loot it.

Discover the outdoors

• Join our year-round basic training camp, including endurance testing, beheading techniques, bomb-making, target practice, and crucifixion. Get your very own machine gun and black mask.

Bask in the sun

• Find our open graves waiting, ready for you, and at your service. Our airline has a great deal right now on one way tickets to Islamic State.

Everyone is talking about Islamic State! Experience the magic and breathtaking beauty of Islamic State. Book your trip now to lock in great prices!

As most of us are dreading the upcoming “three-day” chag, we here at Newsy Jewsy came up with a few tips to help you survive it – and actually make it through feeling great!

Here are our tips:

• Memorize all your status updates as they occur, so you can post them immediately after Yom Tov. (You know, at the pizza shop.) The best way to memorize them is to recite each 100 times as you walk to and from shul. The correct response to “Good Yutif/Good Shabbos” is simply a smile.
• Always walk around with a sefer. If you’re single, your shidduch chances go up exponentially. If not, at least you’ll have an excuse to duck when Aunt Shelly starts yapping about this or that.
• The moment Hallel goes over 2.38 minutes, just slap your forehead with your palm, and run out of shul like you forgot something. If you want to come back in, just bring that handy sefer. Works every time.
• Bring ear plugs to shul in case the rabbi’s drasha is too loud.
• At the start of mussaf, remember to bang on the nearest hard surface so everyone knows you remembered it was Yom Tov.
• Remember the halacha – If there is no cholent at Kiddush, skip it, there’s plenty of food at home. If there is cholent, but no MEAT in it, skip it. If there is no cholent, but there is potato kugel, some say skip it, others are meikil and permit it.
• Forget the shower. When things get tough, make this yeshiva-style ready-mix in just five minutes: Stir 2 parts deodorant, 2 parts air freshener, and 1 part Shout. Spray ready-mix on clothes, toilets, or the person’s seat next to you as necessary. It’s all good.
• Always nap like it’s Shabbos. Even if it’s Thursday.
• Bolt out before havdallah and find the nearest pizza shop. Give us your status updates: Did you survive your Three-Day Yom Tov??

Chag Sameach everyone!

Special thanks to Marissa for this post idea.

The stats say that many “older folks” have taken to social media in recent years, but we all know that a) they’re in their 60s and, by today’s standards, that’s not old, and b) they’re often light users, just using it to see pics of the grandkids. But now let’s imagine, what we, the “Facebook Generation” will sound like when we’re 80….

Here are a few possibilities:

• Photo Comment: “omg, u look awesome in this pic, where’d u get ur teeth from?”
• Profile Birthday Year: “It’s Complicated.”
• Status Update: “Need 2 borrow a size 20 gown 4 my great grandson’s bar mitzvah, any1 have anything?”
• Like: “AARP Fan Page”
• Video Share: Maccabeats’ “Candlelight”….omg, weren’t those boys handsome?
• Status Update: “My DH needs a walker, can u recommend 1 that is sturdy but not too expensive?”
• Photo Album: “Sitting by the pool in Florida” – The Next Photo Album: “Sitting by the pool in Florida.”
• Video Share: Youtube – “New Drug Helps Urinary Tract Infections.”
• Like: “Silly Bands”…omg, remember those??
• Status Update: “Thinking of getting grey highlights in my sheitel, what do u think?”