Posts Tagged ‘Islamic Fundamentalism’

Islamic State: Gorgeous. Refreshing. To die for.

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graphic2Islamic State: Ministry of Tourism

Visit the Islamic State, the world’s most talked-about vacation spot in 2014!

Islamic State: Gorgeous. Refreshing. To die for.

Share moments of beauty

  • Hike up our beautiful Mount Sinjar with local Yazidi families. Bring good shoes and water for a week. Or two.
  • Visit a local grenade factory situated by the lush banks of the Tigris River. Enjoy panoramic views of the river and see what we’ve done to this land.

Experience the history

  • Come see the charred remains of an 1800 year old church in Mosul. Learn about the ancient Christian people who used to inhabit the land.
  • Check out an old abandoned US army base. Explore this modern ghost-town with the local guide who wears the badge of honor as the very first man to loot it.

Discover the outdoors

  • Join our year-round basic training camp, including endurance testing, beheading techniques, bomb-making, target practice, and crucifixion. Get your very own machine gun and black mask.

Bask in the sun

  • Find our open graves waiting, ready for you, and at your service. Our airline has a great deal right now on one way tickets to Islamic State.

Everyone is talking about Islamic State! Experience the magic and breathtaking beauty of Islamic State. Book your trip now to lock in great prices!

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Kicking Back with a Senior ISIS Leader

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iStock_000010477923SmallIn a newsyjewsy exclusive interview, we had a chance to sit down with Mahmud, a senior leader of ISIS. On a hot Middle Eastern day, we found him relaxing by his pool over lemon smoothies wearing Ray Bans, Levi’s, and a red Ralph Lauren Polo. With his cellphone turned off, we got the exclusive dish about his vision for the new Caliphate, his 72 virgins, and his family.

NJ: So you talk a lot about your new role. When you were growing up, did you ever imagine you would be-heading up the ISIS efforts to create a new Caliphate?

M: You know, when I was a schoolboy, we lived very simple lives. We didn’t even have a TV. But now I get to be on TV [smiles and pauses for the camera]. And I am so honored to work with some of the most amazing actors in the Middle East: Al Qaida, Hamas, Hezbollah, Boko Haram. I’ve watched them for a long time, and they continue to be an inspiration to me every day.

NJ: So tell us about this new Caliphate you’re working on. What’s it about?

M: Well it takes place in Iraq, Syria, Turkey, Egypt, Israel, France, Germany, England, South Africa, the U.S, Morocco, Bulgaria, Russia–well actually, the entire world. And it’s a sort of shift from the usual. You know, we’re all about getting people out of their comfort zones. We touch on some incredible things in the Caliphate. There’s honor, tradition, jihad, barbary, terror, heads on pikes, crucifixions…it’s very intense.  And we’re totally killing in the ratings. So it’s a very exciting time for us.

NJ: How do you envision the future of the Caliphate?

M: Actually, the future is already here. Our Caliphate is gaining millions of fans around the world, as seen through massive rallies in the big cities, our black flags flying in pretty little towns, and in all the viral YouTube videos of bloody executions. One thing we’re especially proud of: We have more Twitter followers than Barack Obama.

NJ: Are you worried at all what they say about you in the press, that you trapped 40,000 Yazidi people on a mountain without water?

M: Honestly, I try not to read that stuff. People will say bad things about you, no matter what. The world can be so heartless and cruel. But I am still committed to the cause, I continue to focus on my mission, and I will die a Shahid for Allah.

NJ: Let’s talk about that. I heard your 72 virgins are special in some way…?

M: Yes, when I die for Allah, I will get 72 virgins. But these aren’t just any 72 virgins. They will be child bride virgins. And I will get them young – at 6 or 7 years old. I can’t wait, it’s gonna be awesome!

NJ: What does your wife say about that?

M: My wife? Which one?

NJ: I guess your wives. What do they say about your 72 virgins?

M: They will be proud of me when I die a Shahid. But they know they will have to wait their turn after the 72.

NJ: So how many wives do you have, if you don’t mind my asking?

M: Right now I have six. They live in the village in a hut. They have too many children for this house. The kids would run it over, play with my machine guns, destroy my floors, and get in the way during important executions. So they live in the village. But they like it there. My 8 year old, my oldest boy, is doing really great. Just yesterday, he shot 80 Christians and buried 140 alive. Makes me so proud.

NJ: Nice. So how would you describe your marriages right now?

M: Oh, they’re fine, though I don’t get down to the village often. Everyone there is Muslim and follows Sharia law, so no problems there. I have to focus on places that need ethnic cleansing. One of the things I love most about my job is that when I clear out a place and stick a flag in the ground, I can take as many women as I like.

NJ: The 6 wives and 72 virgins aren’t enough?

M: Alahu akbar. Those of us who serve Allah and die for him reap the rewards.

NJ: Mahmud, it’s been so nice to meet you. Do you have anything else you’d like to add?

M: [sipping] Yeah–I almost forgot! [faces camera] I want to give a shout out to my mom! Mom, if you’re watching, I just want to say hi! Love you Mom!

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