Posts Tagged ‘Assimilation’

Who Will be the Zaide of my Children…?

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In Memory of Moshe Yess

1945-Jan 8, 2011

“My Zeide”

Composed by Moshe Yess

My Zeide lived with us in my parents’ home
He used to laugh, he put me on his knee
He spoke about his life in Poland
He spoke but with a bitter memory
He spoke about the soldiers who would beat him
They laughed at him they tore his long black coat
He spoke about a synagogue that they burnt down
And the crying that was heard beneath the smoke

Zeide made us laugh, and Zeide made us sing
Zeide made a kiddush Friday night
Zeide , O my Zeide how I love him so
Zeide used to teach me wrong from right

His eyes lit up when he would teach me Torah
He taught me every line so carefully
He spoke about our slavery in Egypt
And how God took us out to make us free
But winter went by, summer came along
I went to camp, to run and play
And when I came back home they said “Zeide’s gone”
And all his books were packed and stored away

I don’t know why and how it came to be
It happened slowly over many years
We just stopped being Jewish like my Zeide was
And no one cared enough to shed a tear

Zeide made us laugh, and Zeide made us sing
Zeide made us Seder, Pesach night
Zeide , O my Zeide how I love him so
Zeide used to teach me wrong from right

Many winters went by, Many summers came along
And now my children sit in front of me
And who will be the Zaide of my children
Who will be their Zeide if not me

Who will be the Zeides of our children
Who will be their Zeides if not we

(Lyrics by
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My Geni Journey: On Paul Newman and Intermarriage

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A few weeks ago, I discovered several new branches of my family on

I was thrilled to find distant cousins that I never knew! We emailed old stories of people long gone, and verified our common history. We updated each other on our family news, and even figured out a certain ancestor’s Hebrew name. I have since friended some of my new cousins on Facebook, and several have agreed to join Geni. It has truly been an incredible experience.

For those of you unfamiliar with, it’s a website where you can input your family tree. And when Geni sees that you and another person have both described the same person as a relative, it prompts the two of you to connect your trees. This is how I found these long-lost cousins. Geni is pure genius.

Paul Newman

Paul Newman was my second cousin three times removed

This discovery put me on a Geni high. But weeks later, one thing is still gnawing at me. I discovered that a good chunk of that side of the family is married to non-Jews.

I wonder whether their kids will ever connect with mine as “family.” I wonder if these memories of my grandmother’s great “Tante Rezhin” will mean anything to them.

I wonder whether they will ever take an interest in their “Jewish side” and study this family tree that has become so dear to me.

I don’t know how it happened along the way. I don’t know if a closer-knit family—or a more religious family—could have prevented it. But somehow, somewhere, these cousins decided it was okay to marry out of the faith.

The truth is that I should not have been that surprised. Our celebrated family connection to Paul Newman (the famous actor, 1925-2008) should not be our biggest pride. Though quite the celebrity, Paul was born of a non-Jewish mother, and felt little relationship to us, cousins on his “Jewish side.” He gave to many important philanthropic causes, but not specifically to Jewish ones.

And I am beginning to realize that there are also other parts of the family that are no longer Jewish….

One of my distant cousins married Jewish and became frum through Chabad. He said that if you look at this family tree, you see what the landscape of the Jewish community will be like in 20 years. I replied that I find comfort in the fact that at least some of us are still holding down the fort.

But what does “holding down the fort” really mean?

Does it mean that I teach my children to marry Jewish? That’s it? What if they don’t? What am I doing to actively prevent intermarriage?

I guess you can say that I try to show my children the beauty of Judaism and that I teach them the Orthodox lifestyle.

But there are no guarantees. I’m sure my ancestors back in the “old country” never thought their children or grandchildren would marry non-Jews. They probably never imagined it possible.

But here we are. So many American Jews marrying out of the faith. Even in my own family.

I’m still not sure how I feel about it, but I felt it warranted a blog post.

Do you have intermarriage in your family? How do you feel about it?

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