Posts Tagged ‘Rabbi’

As most of us are dreading the upcoming “three-day” chag, we here at Newsy Jewsy came up with a few tips to help you survive it – and actually make it through feeling great!

Here are our tips:

• Memorize all your status updates as they occur, so you can post them immediately after Yom Tov. (You know, at the pizza shop.) The best way to memorize them is to recite each 100 times as you walk to and from shul. The correct response to “Good Yutif/Good Shabbos” is simply a smile.
• Always walk around with a sefer. If you’re single, your shidduch chances go up exponentially. If not, at least you’ll have an excuse to duck when Aunt Shelly starts yapping about this or that.
• The moment Hallel goes over 2.38 minutes, just slap your forehead with your palm, and run out of shul like you forgot something. If you want to come back in, just bring that handy sefer. Works every time.
• Bring ear plugs to shul in case the rabbi’s drasha is too loud.
• At the start of mussaf, remember to bang on the nearest hard surface so everyone knows you remembered it was Yom Tov.
• Remember the halacha – If there is no cholent at Kiddush, skip it, there’s plenty of food at home. If there is cholent, but no MEAT in it, skip it. If there is no cholent, but there is potato kugel, some say skip it, others are meikil and permit it.
• Forget the shower. When things get tough, make this yeshiva-style ready-mix in just five minutes: Stir 2 parts deodorant, 2 parts air freshener, and 1 part Shout. Spray ready-mix on clothes, toilets, or the person’s seat next to you as necessary. It’s all good.
• Always nap like it’s Shabbos. Even if it’s Thursday.
• Bolt out before havdallah and find the nearest pizza shop. Give us your status updates: Did you survive your Three-Day Yom Tov??

Chag Sameach everyone!

Special thanks to Marissa for this post idea.

We all know that being Orthodox is tough. Between holidays, family, and shul, there’s a LOT going on. So when you’re stressed, it’s nice to know you can call on one of these well-trained professionals:

Deputy Assistant, Shul Politics:

Sits with you at all shul meetings, including sub-sub-sub committee meetings. Pulls up data on his iPad to support your arguments. Advances your position as an influencer in the shul. Is on the other side of the room at Kiddush talking to that big-time donor when you can’t be.

Rabbinic Kitchen Design Consultant:

Consults to homeowners on halachah and the latest kitchen appliances. Areas of expertise include shabbos ovens, warming drawers, and fridge lights. Offers a Halachic Kitchen Certification so your crazy frum friends know they can eat at your house.

Chometz Management Consultant:

Helps you get rid of every last crumb before Pesach. Incredible attention to detail. Strong sense of smell. Services available starting Isru Chag the previous Pesach.

Personal Shabbos Goy:

Lives-in Friday nights. Assists with all muktza matters, turning on lights, dishwasher, oven, TV, whatever is needed. Comes with you to shul, spends the afternoon with you, whether at home or at a friend’s. Will also update your facebook status from “eating shabbos meal” to “sleeping.”

Frum Family Coordinator:

Visits Bubbe at the hospital when you can’t be there. Calls Tante Rochel in Israel to invite yourself, your spouse, and your eight kids to her tiny apartment for Sukkos. Arranges for your in-laws to get you a spa gift certificate for your birthday. Texts the kids in the other room to turn the TV down so the neighbors don’t know you have a TV. Takes the stress out of family.

Hire-A-Minyan

Always daven b’tzibbur! Nine or ten men will join you in your home, office, or personal shteibel. No need to go to shul. Available for Shacharis, Mincha, and Maariv, all days of the week. Also available to join you for Tefilas Haderech in NYC taxis.

Thank you to Avi Conway at Prime Media Distribution for inspiring this post.