Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

We all know that being Orthodox is tough. Between holidays, family, and shul, there’s a LOT going on. So when you’re stressed, it’s nice to know you can call on one of these well-trained professionals:

Deputy Assistant, Shul Politics:

Sits with you at all shul meetings, including sub-sub-sub committee meetings. Pulls up data on his iPad to support your arguments. Advances your position as an influencer in the shul. Is on the other side of the room at Kiddush talking to that big-time donor when you can’t be.

Rabbinic Kitchen Design Consultant:

Consults to homeowners on halachah and the latest kitchen appliances. Areas of expertise include shabbos ovens, warming drawers, and fridge lights. Offers a Halachic Kitchen Certification so your crazy frum friends know they can eat at your house.

Chometz Management Consultant:

Helps you get rid of every last crumb before Pesach. Incredible attention to detail. Strong sense of smell. Services available starting Isru Chag the previous Pesach.

Personal Shabbos Goy:

Lives-in Friday nights. Assists with all muktza matters, turning on lights, dishwasher, oven, TV, whatever is needed. Comes with you to shul, spends the afternoon with you, whether at home or at a friend’s. Will also update your facebook status from “eating shabbos meal” to “sleeping.”

Frum Family Coordinator:

Visits Bubbe at the hospital when you can’t be there. Calls Tante Rochel in Israel to invite yourself, your spouse, and your eight kids to her tiny apartment for Sukkos. Arranges for your in-laws to get you a spa gift certificate for your birthday. Texts the kids in the other room to turn the TV down so the neighbors don’t know you have a TV. Takes the stress out of family.

Hire-A-Minyan

Always daven b’tzibbur! Nine or ten men will join you in your home, office, or personal shteibel. No need to go to shul. Available for Shacharis, Mincha, and Maariv, all days of the week. Also available to join you for Tefilas Haderech in NYC taxis.

Thank you to Avi Conway at Prime Media Distribution for inspiring this post.